Thinking about why I drink isn’t as fun as I thought it would be. After quitting, I realized, I couldn’t say that I liked alcohol solely for its taste. I don’t. I also don’t like that it keeps me from running as fast as I know I could. I don’t like that it makes me feel like a worthless piece of trash the next day after a binge either.
But what DID I like about it so much that I let it drown out so many years of my life? Well, the drowning part. I drowned out my childhood.
Reason number one of why I drink, in my opinion, is the abuse I suffered at the hands of a very close family member. He would feed me “grape juice” and then play games with me until he knew I was drunk and unable to defend myself. Then, he would touch me. At the time I was unaware of what was under his clothes or why he was touching himself like that, but thanks to adulthood and the nightmares I still have, I know clearly what he was doing.
This went on for years until he was found out. Another family member of mine realized what was going on and beat this person within an inch of their life. Obviously, the wrong thing to do. It should have been handled by the police. Which is why I believe that is reason number two of why I drink. Nothing has really ever been handled correctly in my life. Sweep it under the rug, drink it away or kick its ass.
I believe the abuse affected me in a way that I was unable to get over. Last week, I was looking for a picture of me to show my son from when I went to summer camp. I found my old scrapbook of items I had collected through my teenage years. I had written down every boy’s name that I had a relationship with. There were over 50 names on this list. I couldn’t hold a relationship with any of them, because they would try to touch me and I would get flashbacks to years before and get upset. It wasn’t their fault. They weren’t trying to molest me. I just couldn’t stand to be touched.
When I started to drink at 18, the walls came down and here is where reason number three comes in. I liked sex. It was freeing. I had control of any man I met. And I took advantage of that. Looking back on it, it was my taking back what I had lost as a child. My abuser had control of me then and now I had control. I could drink, lie, and manipulate my way through any relationship. But it’s not what I wanted or needed.
Not long after this new realization, I met my now husband and I settled down. I didn’t drink for 15 years, but when I lost control of my marriage, it started all over again. The drinking has continued for 10 years. Right up until the time when I realized I was losing everything and had NO control over anything or anyone, including myself.
I drink to forget.
Don’t do that.
It will never resolve one thing.