I don’t know why I do this to myself every single day of my life, but every morning, I get on the scales. It sets the tone of the day. Lose a pound overnight, good day. Two pounds, great day. Put on a pound after not drinking for 48 hours… I’m pissed. If you think about it from just simple math perspective, I should have lost 5 pounds by not drinking thousands of calories in alcohol. But it is what it is. I will google search that later and figure out why. Right now, I’m just gonna sit here and think about that. Hmm. Nope. Not gonna do that. I have better things to do today. Moving forward. Even on the scales. Sigh.
Last night, I tried to talk to my husband. Nothing. I tell him how I feel. Nothing. I ask if he has anything to say, he says no. This is a whole new level of alcoholism. Obviously, I am the only one with the problem. Only my drinking is the problem. He doesn’t have a box of wine and a bottle of whisky every other day problem. Nope. He’s not willing to quit and I’m not dumb enough to ask again. (((Wipes hands of the whole thing))) Not my problem.
The #metoo movement has effected me. I was sexually abused and harassed for several years of my childhood. The memories come in and out, like a train in a tunnel. I don’t like remembering. I guess my brain doesn’t either. Soaking in alcohol seems to soothe the nightmares of the abuse, but I have to find healthier ways to soothe my poor brain.
I have to figure out how to do “me”. Who am I? What makes me happy? How can I get through every day life without my life-numbing alcohol? I’m reading and reading to find the answers. What I gather is, the answer lies within me. I just have to sober up first.