Lying, Trusting & Anxiety. Oh my.

It’s hard to sober up. I think about drinking way more than most people I’m sure, but come 5 o’clock somewhere… it’s bad.

Today seems like a better day. Got a little more accomplished than usual. But what is standing out to me right now is my lowered anxiety. I know he had a meeting with one of his business “ass”ociates today. That may seem harsh, but I just don’t trust women when they see a handsome, successful, well mannered, put together (except for the alcoholism thing) man. She drinks too, so there’s that. Sends him little beer emojis at the end of her texts. Whatever. Anyway… Usually, it would be driving me insane knowing they were together and she’s gushing about how great he is and blah blah blah. But today, there is less of that. Less alcohol, less anxiety. So what if she does that? So what happens? Nothing. The only thing changing his mind about me is me. My jealousy and bitterness are the problem. Nothing she can say or do is going to permanently make him move towards anyone else unless I push him. He’s been faithful to me for well over two decades… As far as I know. Yeah. I see him look a little longer than he should, but I have yet to see a man that didn’t look. And maybe I look a lot longer than I should. Have you seen Game of Thrones? Any of the NBC Chicago television shows??? Grief. And yeah, I like when another man says how great of a mom I am, or how well behaved my kids are  or when my professor tells me what a good job I did on my latest paper. Anyone feels good about that. So why should I immediately think he is screwing every woman that looks his way? Dear old dad.

Oh… My dad. Sigh. Bless his heart. He divorced my mom for another woman when I was little. Stayed married to that woman for almost thirty years, but all the while had a “permanent” girlfriend (whom he had another child by and never said a word) and several other temporary “ladies in waiting” for the entire marriage to my stepmother. Funny what people will tell you when they are dying of cancer. I heard everything. All of it. My dad was a drunk. A womanizer. Liar. But he was good to me. To my children. He never really said one negative word to me. His being a cheating, lying, womanizing drunk doesn’t change how much I love him and miss him every day, but it has intensified my disbelief in men. All men. That’s not really fair is it? Why should my husband pay for my father’s sins? Why should my jealousy and bitterness be intensified exponentially when I look at my husband? Because he’s a man? Not fair.

Hhumph. Like I’m some sort of judge and jury. It’s hard to overcome that. Even at my age. But I have to or my marriage is going to continue to suffer. Exponentially. I’m lying to myself by not trusting him. I stop that and the anxiety will lessen. But that means the alcohol has to go. I can’t do this drinking. The anxious, nauseous feeling is too overwhelming and I let it completely take over my thoughts.

He’s supposed to be here soon to pick me up. Head towards town to pick up some things and get some dinner. Dinner always means drinks. 72 hours in and I’m nervous, but hopeful. I think I can do this. My marriage and my life as I know it depends on me being sober.


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