An app on my phone reminds me that I have been sober for 17 days. I know that the longest I have been sober in the past 10 years is 18 days, so the 17 blaring at me on my phone screen today was concerning. Can I make it one more day? Well… God help me, I am trying, in spite of everything going on in my head.
This is the anniversary of my dad finding out he had brain cancer. I remember that day so clearly. I drove him to the hospital. He was there for his esophagus cancer checkup. He was doing better. Looked like the cancer was shrinking. We sat in the waiting room until the nurse called his name. When she called him, he stood up and walked forward a few steps and then started to drift sideways like a car out of control. He just kept going to the left. I tried to catch him. That did not work. At all. He fell. They rushed him to the ER. Did a scan from head to toe. His cancer had spread. To his brain. 6 months at best. He suffered for 3 months and 3 days after. Then, he was gone.
I was upset about dad from the second I opened my eyes, but then, I looked over at my husband. Don’t get me wrong. He’s an ok guy. I could have done way worse, but at best, our marriage is a joke. He sent me a song today, 38 Special’s Second Chance. The lyrics in the middle of the song explains exactly what is wrong with our marriage.
I never loved her.
I never needed her.
She was willing and that’s all there is to say.
He cheated on me at some point in our relationship. He won’t say who with or when, but he knows I am aware. It is the one thing that I can’t get over. But there is some good in it because it is also one of the reasons I quit drinking. When I’m sober, I can deal with the fact that he cheated. Like I have been perfect in our marriage? Meh. Not as perfect as I would like, no. But when I’m not sober, I cuss him. We fight. I say things I don’t mean. While I hate his actions and what he has done to me, to the kids and to himself, the part I hate the most is that he proved my mother right. Ugh.
I just don’t know how to move forward with this, but I can’t go backward either. The lyrics in the song also say:
All I made was one mistake
How much more will I have to pay
Why can’t you think it over
Why can’t you forget about the past
I want to forgive him. I want to forget the past. We have kids. We will have grandkids together one day. I don’t want to put any of them through the hell that I went through as a child of divorced parents. And you know what, it was hell being an adult of divorced parents. Nothing was sacred. My parents and their spouses could never be in the same room together without some dramatic bullshit. It is even in my wedding video, my mother and stepmother having one of their famous petty bitch dramas. Whatever. I’m not doing that to my kids. So how do I deal with it?
You too, Mommas. Just stay sober.
You can’t fix the past with a drink.
Forget about the past.