Day 52 & My Sober Vacay Worries

So. Day 52. One month and 22 days. SOBER. But next weekend brings trouble. I would have thought last weekend would be trouble. Memorial Day party. LITERALLY, EVERY SINGLE ADULT WAS PLASTERED. Did I act this stupid when I was drinking? Probably. Seriously?!?! Let’s be honest. I did. I’m no different or better. Just that these days… I don’t touch a drop, but I also don’t judge if anyone else does.

It’s weird to me that nobody seemed to like the idea that I don’t drink anymore. I learned that I am a fairly fun person when I’m drunk. Huh. Who knew? I certainly didn’t because I was never sober long enough to remember conversations or situations.

So to get through the “YOU ARE NOT DRINKING!?!? WTH!?!? IS THE WORLD ENDING???” comments, I played the designated driver card. And thankfully, I really was one. Drove home a couple of falling down drunk girls. I would be afraid of what happened to them if I hadn’t of coerced them to get in the car with me. Would they have driven? I’m not sure what they would have done, but the old me would have. Gone home with some random guy? Meh. Not my style, but who knows what you would do when you’re blackout drunk like I used to be and like they were Saturday night.

They had this one guy trying to take them home. He was falling down drunk too AND married. Married and trying to take a couple of single girls home. Hugging and kissing all over them and me for that matter. Ugh. I had respect for this guy before. Not so much now. Maybe he’s not like that when he’s sober. Who knows? I don’t and I don’t care. Just glad these two girls were safe and sound when I left them. They both texted me the next day. Hangovers. I certainly don’t miss that. Poor things.

Anyway. Back to the reason why I’m writing this out. I’m concerned about my first vacation sober. I want to do this. Desperately want to, but what if I can’t? Does that mean it’s over? I go right back to being the drunk asshole I was before? I don’t like that person. I think she needs to stay at home. She doesn’t get to go on vacation. I will take sober Ray. She deserves a vacation. A sober one. Yes, it’s the third person. Why? Because I still dislike my English teacher.

Staying sober,

Ray

P.S. If you have read my rantings, I really did stop taking the antidepressants for good. They do make me a freaking paranoid lunatic. I’m leading a way better life without them.

Sober parenting

Ok. So I will be the first to tell you alcoholism and parenting don’t mix. Some bad decisions have been made by me over the last ten years of parenting. My “Let them eat cake as long as they don’t cause me to lose my buzz or hurt themselves” mentality is coming back to bite me in the ass now that I’m sober. I get it. In their eyes, who am I to be a parent now? Frustrating, but this too shall pass.

Ray is still sober.

Maybe I’m the problem…

So my phone app tells me I have been sober for 43 days. That is 25 days longer than my record. In that 43 day period, I have learned more about myself than I really care to know, honestly. Here are some examples.

  1. I am not naturally a paranoid person. This surprises me, especially since I have been paranoid for as long as I can remember. But without alcohol, I am more relaxed. I don’t constantly think negative thoughts. I don’t think everyone and everything is out to get me. I am just pretty chill. Huh. Who knew?
  2. I take an anti-depressant. When I quit alcohol, I quit it, too. Actually, I quit everything. Sleeping pills, Xanax, etc… What I learned is that I don’t need any of those things. I tried to go back on the anti-depressant for the past week. Ummm. To be honest, I think it makes me worse, so today is the last dose of that crap. I realize now that I wasn’t depressed. Just a drunk asshole that wanted to numb everything and a willing doctor to help with that. My opinion is anti-depressants don’t do shit for people that aren’t depressed. It just makes them anxious and jittery and borderline pissed off. They give me nightmares and make me paranoid. So, I’m done with that.
  3. I’m a better person without a drink in my hand. I used to think I was such a funny, beautiful and amazing intellectual when I was drinking. Everything I did or said was just so funny or smart. Yawn. I’m over myself. I’m wittier with all of my brain functions intact. Smarter? Meh. Probably not.
  4. I’m genuinely afraid of my next vacation. I leave for a small vacay with my husband in a couple weeks. What if I can’t stay sober? Is having ONE drink the end of my sobriety? Can I ever drink like a normal person again? I am leaving this paranoid schism to the fact that I’m still taking an anti-depressant. Will revisit this thought in a week off of it.
  5. I can lose weight. I blamed my thyroid for my inability to lose weight for years. Now that I don’t have a thyroid, the entire metabolic function of that organ is run by medication. My thyroid levels are near perfect now. So what does that leave? Drinking 6 glasses of wine a night will keep weight on you. No matter how much you exercise! A few pounds down and no other reason for weight loss? Do the math. It’s the freaking alcohol!

I could go on, but for now, this is my top 5 realizations that maybe, just maybe, I am the problem.

Ray is still sober…

 

Hiding in the closet… Sober.

I haven’t shared in a while, but I felt like I needed to today. I’ve been sober for almost 6 weeks now. Yet, today, I feel like I’m (((this close))) to saying screw it. It’s just so overwhelming to stay sober some days. Too much drama in my life. I just want to drown it all out with a bottle of whatever. I mean it’s bad enough that I don’t even have an alcohol preference. I just want to numb the f— out. But, here I am. In the closet floor. Sober. Fighting off this demon one more day. Sigh. Just one more day. Sober.

Ray

Day 24

Graduation is this weekend. Lots of parties. Drinking will be involved, of course. I haven’t really told many people that I quit. I sort of dread the constant explaining of why I’m not drinking, but whatever.

I was always the one sneaking a drink or tasting this or that and always always always had a drink in my hand. No exceptions. So I will find a glass and put my soda water in it and hopefully draw less attention to myself.

Dear ole hubs is still drinking his life away. We went out to a restaurant at 2 pm for a late lunch. He started drinking. He didn’t stop until somewhere around midnight. He seems fine with drinking that much. It’s just not for me anymore. I need my liver.

He finally quit pressuring me to drink. At least for now. I do wonder how I will handle one of our beach trips that we take throughout the year. It’s usually drinking mimosas till noon. Beer at lunch. Shots of tequila by 5. Then sipping on something till bedtime and then wake up and repeat. Three to five days of this 4-6 times a year. I would like to know how to replace that with something positive. Just don’t know what.

Oh well. I will worry about that later. Let’s get through this weekend first.

Congratulations to all the graduates out there! Good job, y’all!

I just finished my first year of going back to school. As a southern woman, I don’t usually curse. It’s just not in my nature. But I would like to give a personal “F – U!” to my English teacher. Two semesters of school. My only B. What an asshole. An 89??? Really??? I hope that bastard sleeps well at night.

My old self would have drank that away. I’m an overachiever. I should be thrilled with a B. Oh well. Today, I just sit back on my porch with a cold soda and say “Bless his heart.”

Ray