So my phone app tells me I have been sober for 43 days. That is 25 days longer than my record. In that 43 day period, I have learned more about myself than I really care to know, honestly. Here are some examples.
- I am not naturally a paranoid person. This surprises me, especially since I have been paranoid for as long as I can remember. But without alcohol, I am more relaxed. I don’t constantly think negative thoughts. I don’t think everyone and everything is out to get me. I am just pretty chill. Huh. Who knew?
- I take an anti-depressant. When I quit alcohol, I quit it, too. Actually, I quit everything. Sleeping pills, Xanax, etc… What I learned is that I don’t need any of those things. I tried to go back on the anti-depressant for the past week. Ummm. To be honest, I think it makes me worse, so today is the last dose of that crap. I realize now that I wasn’t depressed. Just a drunk asshole that wanted to numb everything and a willing doctor to help with that. My opinion is anti-depressants don’t do shit for people that aren’t depressed. It just makes them anxious and jittery and borderline pissed off. They give me nightmares and make me paranoid. So, I’m done with that.
- I’m a better person without a drink in my hand. I used to think I was such a funny, beautiful and amazing intellectual when I was drinking. Everything I did or said was just so funny or smart. Yawn. I’m over myself. I’m wittier with all of my brain functions intact. Smarter? Meh. Probably not.
- I’m genuinely afraid of my next vacation. I leave for a small vacay with my husband in a couple weeks. What if I can’t stay sober? Is having ONE drink the end of my sobriety? Can I ever drink like a normal person again? I am leaving this paranoid schism to the fact that I’m still taking an anti-depressant. Will revisit this thought in a week off of it.
- I can lose weight. I blamed my thyroid for my inability to lose weight for years. Now that I don’t have a thyroid, the entire metabolic function of that organ is run by medication. My thyroid levels are near perfect now. So what does that leave? Drinking 6 glasses of wine a night will keep weight on you. No matter how much you exercise! A few pounds down and no other reason for weight loss? Do the math. It’s the freaking alcohol!
I could go on, but for now, this is my top 5 realizations that maybe, just maybe, I am the problem.
Ray is still sober…