Not as sober as I would like to be

I’ve been away for a time, so I thought I would write a little to update what was going on.

I had made it 56 days and not had a drink. That seems like an insignificant amount of time when I think about how many days in a row I consistently drank. But it is what it is and I am proud of that.

Like I said in my last post, I was concerned about my vacation and doing it sober. I did it mostly sober, but since I’m not a cheater, I restarted the 56 days after I got intoxicated after TWO drinks. I magically became a lightweight after not drinking for seven weeks. Huh. Didn’t see that happening.

Anyway. I went a little while and didn’t drink. But this past weekend, I pretty much lost it.

I made plans to go back home for the first time since my father’s and sister’s funerals. It has been six years since my dad’s death and almost 3 since my sister’s. I never could force myself to go back after her funeral. It was too much for me emotionally and I proved that by getting blackout drunk before I went up there.

My husband was supposed to go with me, but we got in a huge fight over nothing and I went alone. And let me tell you, alone is not a good place to be for me. It allows me to do whatever the f–k I want.

Go to a bar and get drunk alone? Yep. Go to a bar and get drunk with my old drinking buddies? Yep. Stay drunk all weekend and barely sober up enough to make it home? Of course. Drink the entire bottle of champagne that you had waiting because this was supposed to be a special trip. Well duh! It’s what I do. Or used to do.

So I did that. One more time. One more last time. It’s too hard to keep doing this. My marriage has been on the rocks for a while. When I was sober, it was back to good. Now it’s not. He’s pissed and now I get the silent treatment. I didn’t even give him the cards I had picked out for Father’s Day. Beautiful, heartfelt cards. Useless to me now.

What did I learn? Because that’s what this is all about right? Learning from mistakes? Going back and rereading this and seeing how far I came and what I am capable of? That’s the way I see it. So what I learned is that I hate being drunk. I hate ruining perfectly good things. So tomorrow, I will start again.

Ray will be sober again.

One thought on “Not as sober as I would like to be

  1. When (not if!) I end up having a slip, I hope that’s precisely what I’ll be able to conclude: that drinking is fkn rubbish! I know this of course, as I’m sure you do too and did even before you had a slip, but the pull of that awful beast is really strong. It sounds like you are coming away from it with renewed desire and strength to stay sober – perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise to just get further proof it’s not what you want? I’ll bet you’ll be even stronger for it. Big hugs and right here in your corner! x

    Like

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