Sober Day 4

I started back to school today. Second year. Should be my last year. I only need so many credits to get my degree. Pretty easy classes right now, but I am saving math for next semester. LOL.

The paranoia has eased up a bit. Enough for me to reject the “I need a drink” thoughts that came around five this evening. That is such a relief to me right now. The paranoia is the worst. Having a clear mind is essential in getting sober. Kind of hard to have a clear mind when it’s swimming in 80 proof.

Just thought I would touch base. Kind of busy today.

Ray is less paranoid.

Thank God!

 

Sober Day 2

I’ve spent much of the past 24 hours reading about alcoholism. I went from article to article at a frenzied pace searching for the answer to yesterday’s question.

Why do I do this…

Well, I got a glimpse of the answer and it made sense. At the same time, it was a gut-wrenching realization that I can not ever touch a drop. Can’t be one of those people that can have just one glass of wine. Not gonna happen. Thanks, DNA.

According to several research studies, there is a protein in our brains that when you drink excessively, it boosts the need to drink. Excessive drinking chemically alters your brain to make you want to drink more. Once that’s in place, it doesn’t fix itself. Add that to the studies that prove children that were abused can lead to alcoholism in their adult years and I’m a walking time bomb. Grief. Oh well. I’m better off.

I’m just going to keep reading. Keep studying. Keep my mind busy. After going 50+ days sober recently, I know all these anxious, paranoid feelings will pass.

I can beat this. I have before.

Ray is reading.

Sober.

Sober Day One. Again.

I would like to know why I keep coming back to this vicious cycle of slowly killing myself. Slowly destroying my health, marriage, and family. What is so great about getting drunk and fighting with your drunk husband? What is so difficult about figuring out why you keep doing this and why you can’t change it?

This has to be way simpler than I am making it into.

I drank too much again. Blacked out. Again.

I got word earlier today that my ex-sister-in-law got her third DUI. Third. Wow. Bless her heart. I feel bad for her. That could be me. The only difference is that I didn’t get caught. Ugh. That’s so pathetic to say out loud. Sigh. If I keep this up, I will get caught and then it will be all over everywhere. Small town. Big mouths. No thanks. And that’s obviously the least of the problems it could cause. I could hurt someone else. I would never be able to live with myself.

My brother calls me today to tell me his girlfriend got drunk and drove. Ran off the road. She barely remembers it. That’s not even who she is. She doesn’t do that. So why do that yesterday?

One of my girlfriends is a heavy drinker and pot smoker. I cannot hang out with her because of that. It never ends well. I always wind up saying I’m fine and driving home because I know the shit storm it would cause with my husband if I stayed the night at her house.

Why do we do this? Why do most of my family, friends and even some of my ex-family drown our lives out in alcohol?

I would really like an answer. I would like to fix it for all of us.

Ray is tired and wants off this merry-go-round of doom.

 

Drunken Paranoia? Not so sure.

If you read this insanity that I call a blog, you know I don’t have the best marriage in the world. Some serious trust issues. Being an alcoholic and being married to one makes for a difficult life most days.

So today, I am dealing with a single, attractive female that is the new girlfriend of my husband’s “best” friend. She took my husband home after one of his drunk episodes. Keep in mind. They just met and do not know each other whatsoever.

Now… She drunk facebooked my husband yesterday. Here is the exact dialogue.

Her—- “I’m in your neighborhood… dropping off drunks again”

Him—- “Lol. That’s great. Don’t make a habit of that.”

Her—- “Gahhhhh…

Him—- “I certainly appreciated that. It was very nice of you.”

Her—- “It was fine… would not have offered if you were scary! Lol”

Him—- “LOL”

Her—- “I’m a lil drunky tonight… rarity”

Him—- “Dang…hate I missed that. it happens to the best of us…ha”

Her—- “yep. I’m all good… home & in bed” with a check mark and smiley face after her comment.

That was all that was said, but here I am wondering what the hell. I can’t decide if I’m more pissed over her drunk texting my husband or his “hate I missed that” comment.

And what do I want to do? Get the eff out of this house and go get wasted. Ugh. How does that solve anything? It doesn’t, but I don’t have the willpower of a sober-minded person. This is so frustrating.

Is my paranoia up AGAIN because I started drinking AGAIN. Or am I understanding this as a blatant “I’m home in bed” bullshit play at my husband?

Grief. I remember a few years back when this would not have even been a thought in my mind.

Stay sober, my friends. Drunken paranoia is a real thing and will destroy your soul.

Ray

Just over it…

Ever have one of those days where you’re just over it? Everything is an annoyance. Everyone is a bother. You just want to be left the f–k alone…. Today is that day for me.

I love y’all, but the people that are in my “circle of trust”…. they are words that I just can’t use on here.

Ugh.

Ray is over it.

Sober Momma is MIA…

I went off the grid for a month or so. It’s been rough to deal with my lack of willpower to stay sober. Living with an alcoholic just makes it nearly impossible, especially if you want to “get along” with them. Yet, at the end of the day, I make my own choices. I haven’t chosen to be as sober as I would like lately. But that’s ok. I’m learning from it.

Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have come back to write today, but WordPress notified me that my traffic had a serious spike. Looks like someone is relatively interested in my insanity. If you’re here and you’re reading this, I have perfected imperfection. I am perfectly imperfect and I will continue to be that way until the day I die. Just try not to judge that. Sober Momma doesn’t judge. Period. All she asks is the same respect.

I’m looking forward to getting back into this blog. I missed the cathartic release it gives me.

Hugs, Y’all.

Ray is back at it.

Sober.